Essential Component to Happy Relationships

Have you ever had a partner hurt you?

Do you have needs that your loved one doesn’t meet? Do you feel depressed, angry or resentful towards someone you care about? Are you hungry/starving to fill a void in your life and have a need desperatly met?

Forgiveness is an essential component of any happy relationship. It is inevitable that people will make mistakes but it is essential to know when and how to forgive. It is natural for a loved one who has been wronged or hurt to develop resentment that can fester for many years and ruin the chance for any happiness. Yet if the resentful party values the marriage more than being right and more than being angry, they can find the love and compassion that make forgiveness possible.

Infidelity is one of the most hurtful mistakes that a married person can make. Sexual infidelity is an attack on the sacredness of marriage, on its essence. Yet infidelity is always a joint effort. The spouse who has been wronged needs to understand what they have contributed to the other spouse’s infidelity. No one is unfaithful to a spouse who satisfies all of their Six Human Needs. Are you blaming someone else for your unhappiness? If you are feeling wronged by a loved one find out if you are truly satisfying the other’s 6 Human Needs!

1. CERTAINTY – Certainty that we can be comfortable – to have pleasure and avoid pain. Code words for certainty are comfort, security, safety, stability, feeling grounded, predictability and protection.

2. UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY – Variety and challenges that exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional well-being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety and surprise. Code words for Uncertainty/Variety are instability, change, entertainment, suspense, exertion and surprise.

3. SIGNIFICANCE – Every person needs to feel special, important, needed and wanted. Code words for Significance are pride, importance, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline and competition.

4. CONNECTION/LOVE – Everyone needs Connection with other human beings, and everyone strives for and hopes for Love. Code words for Connection/Love are togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness and romance.

5. GROWTH – Everything is either growing or dying. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

6. CONTRIBUTION – We all desire to go beyond our own needs and give to others. Everything in the universe contributes beyond itself or is eliminated.

When partners find it difficult to forgive and are withholding love, affection or support, they need to open their heart and find the love and compassion that make it possible to forgive.

The infidelity is usually a symptom of a much larger issue that underlies the relationship and that needs to be addressed.

 

5 Step Process in Attracting the “Right” Person for YOU!

5 Step Process in Attracting the “Right” Person for YOU!

Ever wonder how compatible you are with someone your dating? Do you ever question how compatible you are with  who you are in a relationship with now? If you don’t know your ideal image of who you are looking for then how will you know? People will treat you how you allow them to. If you don’t know where you are going any road will get you there. When you learn what energy you are putting out into the universe you will understand how to attract more of what you want and how.  The truth is: The key to a lasting relationship is understanding, patience and love.  If you don’t understand yourself, how would you be able to understand others.   The 1st step in attracting the relationships you desire is to raise your awareness on your core energy level and how you are actually coming across to others, understand  and even shift some of your values. The 2nd step is to breakthrough your energy blocks that hold you back from your true potential and successful relationships and learn healthy self-love. The 3rd step is to practice raising your energy level to attract positive into your life. The 4th step is to gain clarity on the vision who and what you want. When you ask you receive. What are you sub consciously asking for? 5th step is to begin to attract that ideal person into your life.

What is important to you in a relationship? Compatibility is nice of course however opposites attract. What really keeps a lasting high energy relationship? There’s much more than both liking bike riding.

Understanding and awareness! Learning the love language for yourself and loved one, understanding each others needs and values. Your strengths and weaknesses, your best self and how you show up under stress and conflict. We are complicated beings and no 2 people will just click and last without effort from both parties, understanding, patience and love. So if your dates and relationships are not what success looks and feels like to you, it makes sense. You’re not alone and I can help!

If you are ready to stop living the definition of insanity “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I would love to help you attract a healthy loving relationship, it starts with YOU!

Do You Love Yourself?

WHAT LEVEL IS YOUR LOVE?

February, the month of love. There is fear or there is love.  Love is just as important and special every moment and every month. It can also hurt. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. “I love you”what does it mean? You care about them, you have feelings for them and they are important and special to you? Maybe you want the best for them. Do you “need ” them? Do you show and give love when you want something in return? Do you think love is 50-50, where the other person will have their needs met when yours are? Do you pull  your love away from others when you get angry and hurt? How about the other way around? What experiences do you have with giving and receiving love? Selfish, conditional, or unconditional?

There are THREE levels of Love:

Selfish Love:

Conditional Love:

Unconditional Love:

You can receive more information on these 3 levels by signing up on the home page for my Newsletter.

 

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

Doing for yourself and loving yourself first can cause feelings of guilt for some of us. It feels good to care for and help others.  There’s so much love to give, however relationships often fail because we don’t love ourselves enough. Think of the airplane example, we are told to put oxygen masks on ourselves first, before our loved ones or others. We cannot properly love or take care of others  if we don’t love and care for ourselves first.  Imagine some of those voices in your head that say “oh, I’m so stupid” I could never do that” I am not good enough, thin enough, tall enough ect..” We would go to jail for talking to others the way we talk to ourselves.” Conditional love does NOT mean tolerating poor emotional or physical behavior. When you love and value yourself, you don’t come from a place of need. You know how to meet your own needs, therefor setting healthy boundaries.

I challenge you to practice telling yourself…

“I LOVE YOU” in the mirror 3 times  each time before or after you brush our teeth. Yes, to yourself and your body, just the way you are!

Accept ALL of yourself, it comes from within! Many of us are not taught self love, so we try to seek it from outside sources.

LOVE: An intense feeling of deep satisfaction

Quote: The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself

Resourse:  Relax You’re Already Perfect   ….. by Bruce D. Schneider PH.D

Codependency Hurts until you Heal

Codependency is relationship struggle with yourself.  This leads to very unhealthy relationships with others.   In place of having a healthy relationship with yourself,  you make someone else or something else more important. It is excruciatingly painful and comes from being wounded as a child. This leads to relationship challenges and addictive/compulsive behavior and controlling tendencies.  It’s about growing up depending on someone, who’s depending on something that is not dependable.  For example abusing alcohol, drugs, overeating, the work -aholic. Change is not easy, it takes patience and it’s a process. If you think you may be codependent or know someone that is, there is hope in ending the painful highs and lows or dysfunction and live a life of healthy love with yourself and others.

It’s a reliance on a person, substance or an addiction, for example sex or gambling. We all have the same 6 basic Human Needs.  When we find healthy ways to meet our own we can then love others and meet their needs properly.

When we find a way to meet 3 or more of our needs it can become an addiction.

We can get by in life without truly living with the 1st 4 needs of Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Love and Connection.

True fulfillment comes with the last 2 needs of  Growth and Contribution. If we don’t  find a healthy way to meet these needs we seek to have it met by others or addictions.

Children of addiction, neglect, abuse or trauma develop patterns for survival that no longer serve them as adults. They constantly over analyze without knowing how to shut the chatter and noise off it consumes them and they take everything personal. There is Hope and this can be you or your loved one after the healing process!

 

Abstinence: Learning to take care of yourself 1st and meet your needs in a healthy way.

Awareness: Learn to stop denying self of your feelings and needs and understand yourself. Be kind to yourself to end the inner critic and negative self talk that leads to low self – esteem.

Acceptance:  Healing requires self-acceptance and love. Many have not been taught healthy self-love.  “What we resist, persists.” When we feel bad, sad, guilty, sad or lonely, it’s self care and compassion to self soothe and practice taking steps to feel better

Action: New habits and behavior need to take place to grow. Information without action is just information. Getting out of our comfort zone is where we grow. This builds self -esteem and confidence. Rather than expecting others to meet all our needs and make us happy we learn to take action for ourself. Moving to the growth and contribution needs of fulfillment. Learning to set boundaries and value your self worth. Takers don’t have limits so givers have to set them. People will treat you however you allow them to. Freedom is on the otherside of Fear!

Contact me for a complimentary Head to Heart strategy session on Healing for Healthy Love.

It’s NO shock why our children are suffering

 

We don’t wake up every morning saying ..”How can I ruin my child’s life today?” Well most of us do NOT! Our parents didn’t either. They were fighting their own inner battle. We are a product of our environment. We’ve all heard, “We become who we spend time with.”

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  ~Jim Rohn

Over 90% of families suffer from some type of dysfunction in the home along with all the trauma some children are facing leave lasting  damaging results that limit them from being their best self. Our wiring comes from our life experiences. As parents we often feel hopeless, or tell ourselves, “That’s just how teenagers are, or I’ve tried everything.”  We often don’t understand ourselves, making it very difficult to understand our teenager (creatures).

We are living in a world of  rapidly developing technology, fast paced doing. We are Human beings..not Human doings.  If we don’t take the time to create balance, heal ourselves, learn coping skills and strategies to reduce stress, anxiety, depression and break- through to learn what we can do differently, that is starts with us,  the patterns we learned sub-consciously will continue through a dysfunctional cycle. Our conflicts cannot be resolved in the same energy that created them. When we raise our awareness we are able to see how we are showing up to others and bringing our past pain into the relationships we have with our children, taking it out on them and reacting from stress/conflict rather than from our core (best self) and responding.  Be kind to yourself, you love your children, question is.. do you know how to love yourself? We can’t properly love others and meet their needs when we don’t even know how to love ourselves.

There is much hope!  My mission is to help raise the awareness in as many individuals and families as I can to create more peace and love in the home.  When you think you’ve tried everything…you haven’t if you were trying to resolve conflict with the same hopeless and frustration thinking.  It’s not your fault, and there’s much that can be done to heal ourselves, help our children and have a happier, safer home!

5 ways to start loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved

Many of us would probably be arrested for treating our friends and family the way we treat ourselves. Think of all the negative self talk, criticism, the emotional and physical abuse we do to our minds, heart and body. Have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself  “I love you”?  It sounds crazy right? Well you’d be surprised, it’s not that easy to do, but it can be. It takes about 9 days to create a new habit and about 21 days to break one. This is not exact,  but hopefully you get the idea. We can’t just do something for two days and say, I tried it didn’t work. Well, you can certainly tell yourself that however it’s not the truth!

1st way is self affirmations. Look into any mirror daily and tell yourself. I love you, I am good enough. 3 times per day or the very least when you brush your teeth.

2nd  be kind to yourself. Be aware of your self talk. When you notice a change in emotion, what are you telling yourself? How true is it? Rephrase to a positive, kind and loving thought that you would tell a loved one.

3rd do something for you everyday What do you love? Do you enjoy reading, meditating, nature, music, water or animals? Allow yourself time everyday even for only 10 minutes to really enjoy and be present just being, while experiencing something you love.

4th is movement. Our bodies are meant to move everyday. Do you like to walk, hike, run or bike or dance. Play a sport, lift weights, a home workout or a class at the gym? Brainstorm on what is right for you.

5th We’ve all heard we are what we eat. What is 1 change you can make in your eating habits to get more nutrition from you eat? Not sure..you can write down and create a log to see what you’re eating and then decide 1 thing you can change daily. What is a weakness and what can you replace it with?

It took time to have our choices become habits and addictions. it takes time to make changes, so be patient. Most importantly, it takes consistance. Everthing we do is a choice, they become unconscious actions that lead to rituals, habits and addictions. When we record our actions they become conscious choices and we create new healthy habits by choice. Choices to love ourselves.

Could you spot a Narcissist? Here are 11 of their spots.

Does this sound like you or maybe someone you know? Narcissistic personality disorder is on the rise and it’s important to know. If any of these traits apply, you may have a Narcissist to close for comfort.

1. Lack of empathy, inability to see from others perspective. Lacks compassion for others feelings or needs.

2. Jealous of others and thinks others are jealous as well.

3. Constant need for admiration.

4. Lives in a “I win” world. Takes advantage of others to meet their own needs.

5. Expresses a grandiose sense of self and lifestyle.

6. Power, controlling and manipulative behaviors over others.

7. Doesn’t trust others because they are not trustworthy themselves.

8.  Sense of arrogance with egotistical behaviors and attitudes.

9.  Judging others and always justifying it.

10. Plays the blame game without ever taking responsibility for their own actions, reactions or poor behavior.

11. Conditional so called “love”.  Trade off mentality.

Spoting and understanding these traits are the 1st step.  Setting boundaries and learning if you need to create a no contact plan is the 2nd step. If you have been beating your head against a wall and this could possibly be the missing puzzle piece, rest assured you’re not crazy and it’s NOT you! With my Freedom from Narcissism program, you will free yourself from the pain, doubt, anxiety and fear. You will gain confidence, self – esteem and feel REAL love. Love should NEVER be conditional. If you see some of these traits in yourself, you’re also in the right place to learn why these actions have protected you in the past and how to feel good about thanking them and letting them go to heal your past and give yourself and others true love!